A Reader's Digest Poll: Marriage in Canada

Toronto, ONTARIO (March 24th, 2003): The State of Marriage in Canada

Approximately one in seven (15%) married Canadians say that they have wished at some point to just wake up one morning and to not be married anymore. This compares to the 85% of married Canadians that indicate they have never had this wish.

• Married Canadians between 35 and 54 years of age (19%) are slightly more likely to have this wish than are those younger (12%) or older (12%).

A majority (53%) of married Canadians say that when they talk with their spouse about problems, they feel they can reach a decision that both can live with, while one-quarter (27%) say they personally stay calm and reasonable in such discussions. On the opposite side, one in ten (8%) say they get into a heated argument when discussing problems with their partner, while one in twenty get frustrated and shut down (6%), or avoid discussing things that will upset them (4%). Less than one percent indicate they get into a physical fight.

• Married women (32% versus 23% of men) are more likely to say that when discussing problems with their spouse that they stay calm and reasonable, while married men (10% versus 6% of women) are more likely to indicate they get into a heated argument.

When problems do arise in their marriages, women (66%) are more likely than men (26%) to initiate a conversation about the issue. Interestingly, younger married men (33%) are more likely than their middle aged (25%) or older (22%) counterparts to say they start the conversation with their spouse.

However, it appears that not every issue is discussed in Canadian marriages. One-quarter (23%) of married Canadians say that they have not discussed with their spouse an attraction to another person. Other issues that are not discussed by some married Canadians with their spouses include doubts about their marriage (16%), using the Internet to view risquй material (9%), or regarding an extra-marital affair (4%).

• With the exception of doubts about their marriage, married men are more likely than married women to not tell their spouse about an attraction another person (28% versus 18%), using the Internet to view risquй material (16% versus 2%) or regarding an extra-marital affair (6% versus 2%).
• Married middle aged Canadians (25%) are more likely than married older Canadians (19%) to say they would not mention an attraction to another person to their spouse. Younger married Canadians (12%) and married middle aged Canadians (9%) are more likely to not tell their spouse using the internet to view risquй material than are married older Canadians (5%).

In terms of communications between spouses in Canada there are definitely areas that married Canadians would like to discuss with their partner that they are not now. Four in ten (44%) say they wish their spouse would ask them questions about themselves. Almost as many (42%) wish they could talk openly about spiritual matters with their spouse, while 40% wish they could talk with their partner about their sex lives. One third (36%) indicate they wish they could ask their spouse to be more affectionate while 33% say they wish they could talk with their partner about not having enough fun in their lives. One fifth (21%) wish they could tell their spouse that they don't feel respected in their marriage.

• Regionally, Quebecers appear to be the most frustrated. Married Quebers are the most likely to agree with each of the statements, with the biggest difference (+32 points) between the national results and those of Quebecers regarding discussing their sex lives (national 40%; Quebec 76%), while the closest gap (+13 points) is regarding not feeling respected in their marriage (national 21%; Quebec 34%).
• In general, married Canadians in lower and middle income households are more likely to agree with each statement than are those in upper income households.
• Women (24%) are more likely than men (18%) to agree that they would like to tell their spouse that they don't feel respected in their marriage.

When asked about a number of areas they wished they could convince their spouse to do, the top wish appears to be convincing them to be less messy (36%), followed by to stop criticizing (25%), to lose weight (22%), to be more loyal (13%) and to stop using threats of violence (7%).

• Close to half (46%) of married women say they wish they could convince their spouse to be less messy. This compares to only 26% of married men who say they would like to be able to convince their wives of this. A higher proportion of younger (43%) and middle aged (43%) married Canadians also expresses this desire, then older married Canadians (28%).
• Regionally, Quebecers are among the most likely to wish they could convince their spouse to change their behaviour. Quebecers lead the country in wanting their partner to stop criticizing them (34%), to lose weight (27%), to be more loyal (21%) and are twice as likely as the national average to want to convince their partner to stop using threats of violence (national 7%; Quebec 15%).

Secrets, Hopes and Dreams in Canadian Marriages

While it may not signal that most Canadians view their spouse as their best friend, a majority believe that their spouse (75%) is the person that knows them best. Trailing far behind are parents (8%); friends (5%), child (5%), other relatives (2%), former lover (1%), and colleagues at work (1%). Four percent indicate that no one really knows them well and one percent say they don't know.

• Men (80%) are more likely than women (69%) to say that their spouse knows them best, while women are more likely than men to say friends (7% versus 3% of men), their child (6% versus 3% of men) or another relative (3% versus 1%) holds this distinction.
• Younger (16%) and middle aged (6%) married Canadians are more likely than older married Canadians (2%) to say their parents know them best, while older (9%) married Canadians are more likely than either middle aged (4%) or younger (1%) married Canadians.
• Canadians who have only been married once (76%) are more likely than those who have been married more than once (63%) to say their spouse knows them best. Those who have had multiple marriages are more likely than those in their first marriage to say their child (8% versus 4%) or people at work (3% versus 0%) are the ones that know them best.
• Married Canadians in upper income households (81%) are more likely than those in middle (70%) or lower (64%) income households to hold to the view that their spouses know them the best.

One-fifth (19%) of Canadians in marriages say that they have dreams or aspirations that they don't talk about with their spouse. This compares to eight in ten (80%) who say they do discuss these hopes with their partners. Asked from a list of actions if they ever dreamed of doing this and had not told their partner, four in ten (38%) respondents say they have dreamed of, but not told their spouse that they would like to travel together. Other items that are dreamed of but not discussed include living somewhere else (17%), starting over in a different career (17%), travelling on their own without their partner (14%), getting a dog (12%), living on their own for a while (9%), having an extra-marital affair (8%), adopting a child (6%), and having plastic surgery (4%).

• Older married Canadians (45%) are more likely than either their middle aged (37%) or younger (33%) counterparts to say they have not told their spouse about their dream of travelling together. Younger (21%) and middle aged (19%) married Canadians are more likely than their older (10%) counterparts to not telling their partner about their dream to start over in a different career.
• Men (11% versus 4% of women) are more likely to not tell their spouse about their dream of a extra-marital affair, while women (8%) are twice as likely as men (4%) to dream of adopting a child, but not telling their spouse of their dream.
• Married Canadians from middle (42%) and lower (41%) income households are more likely to say they have not told their spouse about their dream of travelling together then those in upper income households (35%). As well, married Canadians from middle income households (16%) are more likely to say they have not told their spouse of their dream of getting a dog than are their counterparts in upper (10%) or lower (9%) income households.

While one-fifth of married Canadians say they have dreams they have not told their spouse about, twice that number (41%) say they have kept a secret from their marriage partner.

• Regionally, those married British Columbians (37%) and Quebecers (33%) are the least likely to say they have kept a secret from their partner. This compares the results in Saskatchewan/Manitoba (47%), Ontario (46%), Alberta (44%) and Atlantic Canada (44%).
• Married Canadians from upper income households (46%) are more likely than their counterparts form lower income households (31%) to say they have kept a secret from their spouse.

As to what types of things Canadians have kept secret from their marriage partners, it appears that among a list of items, how much they have paid for something (33%) is the top item that has been kept from spouses. This is followed by failure at work (7%), damage to the car (5%), an eating disorder (2%), and an alcohol or drug problem (1%). Of those married Canadians with children (84%), just over one in ten (13%) say they have not told their spouse about a child's behaviour or grades.

• Women are more likely than men to have not told their spouse about how much they have paid for something (37% versus 30%), damage to the car (7% versus 3%), and if they have children, about a child's behaviour or grades (16% versus 8%). Meanwhile, men (10%) are more likely than women (4%) to have kept failure at work from their spouse.
• Married Canadians from upper income households (36%) are more likely than their counterparts from lower income households (26%) to indicate they have not told their spouse how much they have paid for something.

Knowledge of a spouse's past is one of the most private matters between partners. Half (51%) of married Canadians indicate that their partner knows every thing about their love life before their marriage. This compares to one-quarter (26%) who say that their spouse knows some things, but has not pressed for the whole story. One in ten (13%) indicate that their spouse knows only the amount they are willing to share, while 8% say that their partner knows nothing because they haven't asked about it. One percent say their partner knows nothing, because they refuse to discuss the issue.

• Younger married Canadians (59%) are more likely to indicate that their partner knows the whole story than their older (49%) or middle aged (48%) counterparts. Meanwhile, those in the middle age group (30%) are more likely than those in the younger age group (22%) to say that their partner knows some things, but has not pressed for the whole story. Those in the middle age group (15%) are also more likely than are their older (9%) counterparts to say that their spouses only know the amount they are willing to tell them. Meanwhile, older married Canadians (14%) are more likely than either their middle aged (5%) or younger (4%) counterparts to say their partners have not asked about their previous love life.
• Canadians who have not been married before (53%) are more likely than those who have (43%) to indicate that their partners know everything about their previous love life.
• This is also true of those in lower income households (58%) compared to those in upper income households (47%). Meanwhile, those from upper income households (32%) are more likely than either their counterparts in middle (24%) or lower income households (17%) to say they have told some things, but have not been pressed for the whole story.

These are the findings of an Ipsos-Reid/Reader's Digest poll conducted between October 29th and November 10th, 2002. The poll is based on a randomly selected sample of 1,310 married adult Canadians. With a sample of this size, the results are considered accurate to within 177 2.7 percentage points, 19 times out of 20, of what they would have been had the entire married adult Canadian population been polled. The margin of error will be larger within regions and for other sub-groupings of the survey population. These data were statistically weighted to ensure the sample's regional and age/sex composition reflects that of the actual Canadian population according to the 2001Census data.

To view the factum and tables, please open the attached PDF file.